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SAFE North Youth Group - Real Social Skills Real Situations

26 September 2007

Our youth group began in October 2006 with a 10 week formal social skills group facilitated by outside consultant Jan Sharkey and me.  It aimed to help a group of 12 – 16 year olds develop some specific social skills, for example what to say in a situation, how to use eye contact and facial expressions.

My own boys, then 14 and 12 were attending the group with me, in order to hopefully make some new friends and to develop some of these specific skills, although both had good skills already and were both educated in mainstream school.

The ownership of the group soon shifted, the group started to set its own needs and agenda, what became apparent, was that these young people were such high functioning Aspies, that they didn’t need assistance with eye contact, nor did they want help with what to say in a specific situation – they all knew from years of circles of friends at school that they should ask specific questions in specific situations, but it wasn’t “cool or fat” to say such things, as they would be ridiculed by their peer groups in mainstream or out in public. They just wanted to fit in and have some friends who accepted them for who they were.

Thankfully Fern Potter, our fund raiser and SAFE trustee was able to resource additional funding to enable the group to be maintained on a more informal basis, and once bi weekly, the young people decided to meet up at a venue, often subsidised by SAFE, then return to our home complete with sleeping bags, duvets, pillows, wireless network cards, lap tops, changes of clothes and money for food, where we have learned to cook as a family; clean as a family; plan menus as a family; develop friendships; have fun; empathise with each other; have useful discussions; argue constructively, and generally develop an excellent circle of support.

All of the children have come on in leaps and bounds, one girl in particular, who was suicidal and clinically depressed from being constantly bullied at school, is now happy, settled and making progress.  She is also a wonderful cook and prevents the group (who are not wonderful cooks) from starving to death on burnt rations…

Our role as adults is to facilitate the group, not to have an authoritarian role, but to be in there with them, helping them learn but on the periphery. The kids come to us if they need help with a situation; firstly of course we guide and enable them to try strategies of working out conflicts themselves. The kids in turn value the group, the friendships they have made and each other. It is wonderful to see them thriving as their relationships develop and their confidence grows.

What works for us as a group is that the kids need the adults to be in the group with them not bossing them, changing the venue to our home has made the social skills learning real life and no longer plastic, they get to practise their skills in real situations, whether they are shopping for provisions; cooking; out and about on bikes; sailing; or whatever else we get up to – they have the confidence to police each other and tell each other what they see – i.e. – “You look a bit Autistic today”… “You want me to do what?” The other group members appreciate this no nonsense approach and learn from each other, as other teenagers do.

Asperger People carry such a lot of hurt and rejection from their past situations and are fearful of the group turning the negative possibilities’ that they believe may happen will turn into a likelihood, but once they start coming, they absolutely love it!

In the youth group you can be yourself, and be loved for it.  Kids need to develop because they are ready to develop, not for fear that they might no longer be loved…

Nikki, David, Bob and I use a very different model which we call the SAFE NORTH model approach – we respect the kids privacy, we make careful judgements and allow space for the AS kids to sort things out for themselves, we step in only when a situation looks like it needs assistance to prevent the kids going back to very black and white strategies as coping mechanisms.  Neurotypical kids have space to grow as teenagers which helps them develop, but by the very nature of our Aspie and co morbid kids, they need more adult supervision, but by our careful judgement, they still have the space in a controlled environment to learn and develop both socially and emotionally.
Paula Muir September 2007

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